hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have

❥ Character Information

Character Name: Commander Esther Shepard
Character Age: mid thirties
Character Species: human
Current Health: still alive, barely
Outfit: here

Character Canon: Mass Effect: Legendary Edition
Link to History: Shepard was born on a Earth colony. When she was sixteen, Batarians raided her colony, killing and enslaving everyone as Shepard hid and waited for help. That experience scarred her and left her with a lingering dislike of Batarians she's unwilling to admit to.

She joined the Alliance as soon as she was old enough to and planned to make it her career. One mission went horribly wrong and Shepard was exposed to trauma enough that would break most people, leaving her the sole survivor again.

Shepard was given command of the Normandy in her early thirties.

She sacrificed Ashley Williams on Virmire due to her budding feelings for Kaidan, something she feels terribly guilty about since it was an example of her choosing what her heart wanted.

She spared the Rachni Queen, leading to the being choosing to help in the fight against the Reapers later.

Shepard was very hands-on with her crew, taking the time to get to know all of them and help them out when they needed it. She didn't resent doing so at all, feeling that if she wanted them to follow her, she had the duty to earn their trust and loyalty.

It was a hard choice to keep Maelon's data, but she felt that perhaps what was done in cruelty could be turned into a kindness for the Krogans, eventually being proven right when it was the key to curing the genophage.

Similarly, destroying the geth heretics was a tough call. She largely counted on Legion's input into the situation, feeling that they would be able to help her make the best choice.

Due to Shepard's bone deep loyalty to her crew, she immediately chose to save them from the Collectors. She knew it was terribly risky to do so, but had already been the sole survivor once and had no interest in being so again.

She was able to broker peace between the geth and the Quarians, which suited her nature to play peacemaker as much as possible.

But when the chips were down, she chose to destroy the Reapers. She was afraid of what synthetization would do and she didn't feel like she had the right to play G-d and she felt that controlling synthetics would make her no better than what the Illusive Man had become. Though Shepard mourned and will continue to mourn the loss of the geth and EDI, she thinks she made the right choice.

At least that's what she tells herself.
Canon Point: The end of Mass Effect where Shepard takes a breath
Canon Iteration: Original canon

❥ Folkmore Roles & Attributes

Skills: Shepard can cook, having learned while in the Alliance academy. She's a surprisingly good boxer, able to give much larger and more physically imposing opponents a real fight, winning quite often due to a combination of tactics and speed. However, she cannot dance to save her life.
Canon Abilities: Shepard is an expert marksman and the first human Spectre--an elite agency which answers to the Citadel Council. She's also skilled in hacking and coding. She uses stealth and distance as much as possible against opponents.
Role: Familiar
Role Qualities/Attributes: Lioness ears and tail, golden eyes instead of the blue eyes she was born with, and retractable claws.
Role Reasoning: Shepard still feels rather shaky about her decision to destroy all synthetics, knowing that it would also cost the lives of the geth and of EDI, a personal friend and companion, someone loved by Joker--a good friend of hers. She knows that in her heart of hearts, the other two options weren't something she could justify to herself at all. She's hoping that in time, she'll become more reassured in her decision (and become a Legend in the process), but there's always the possibility that her decision will be questioned and criticized to the point where her guilt takes over and she becomes a Myth. While she's still undecided, Familiar seems like the best choice for her.

❥ Personality

Please choose one of the follow options for your personality section. Please clarify which option you have picked and, if option 2, which questions you are answering:

Option 1. Summarize your character's personality in general and what their full potential would look like to them and what they would be willing to go through to meet that potential and what gaining that potential would mean to them. 400-800 word requirement.

Option 2. Choose FOUR-FIVE of the following questions to answer and expand upon. You may choose a fifth question if you feel it is integral to your character's personality. Each answer has a 100-300 word requirement.

OPTION 2 QUESTIONS (PICK 4-5) 100-300 WORD LIMIT EACH:

What was the most traumatic experience your character endured? How did this change them? The destruction of the colony she lived in by the Batarians, touched on above. Shepard was only sixteen at the time and came from a loving family which only wanted the best for her. She also had numerous friends her own age and was attending high school. However, Batarian slavers took who they could and killed who they couldn't, all the while Shepard was constantly on the move trying to stay one step ahead of the Batarians until they'd finished what they started. She feels a tremendous amount of guilt that she wasn't able to save her friends and family and that in many cases, she saw them murdered while she hid and tried to save herself. What she'll never admit to anyone unless forced, she feels a large amount of dislike for Batarians and that led to her decision to being willing to sacrifice their colony to get to the Collectors.

What is a headcanon (or two) you feel strongly about and that you prefer playing your character with? How is this supported in canon and why do you think it benefits the character's story? I play Shepard as being Jewish. Esther of course is a famous queen in the Ketuvim portion of the Torah. Queen Esther saved her people by revealing her Jewish faith to her husband, the king, who had nearly been persuaded to destroy the Jewish people. It's also an Ashkenazi Jewish naming tradition to name a baby after a deceased ancestor and I headcanon that Esther was her great-grandmother's name and an early volunteer to help humans colonize space. The Jewish faith is very important to Shepard given the Jewish tenet of tikkun olam, repairing the world or in this case the galaxy. She believes it's her duty to do as much good as possible and broker peace whenever she can, to help everyone live in the safety and security she lost as a teen. It's a tenet of social justice, of bearing responsibility for the wellbeing and moral clarity of humanity as a whole as well as applying to Shepard herself. Given that there isn't reference to a religious faith Shepard has in game, I think it adds to her characterization to play her as an observant Jew, one very aware of the demands and rewards of her faith, a source of comfort in difficult times.

What is your character's moral code? Do they have one? Why or why not? I've already touched on that before in the headcanon portion, but Shepard believes she has the obligation to save and keep safe as many as she can, regardless of the personal cost. This urge wears on her throughout her experiences, though, starting with her decision to save Kaidan and not Ashley on Virmire since that was a case where she weighed logic versus love and her feelings for Kaidan dictated her choice. She feels tremendously guilty about that, feeling that there had to be a way to save both of them and goes over what happened that day over and over and over again, trying to find it. No luck, though, but that just makes her even more devoted to her crew, their safety, and their wellbeing. She also feels humility as far as humanity goes, knowing that most other races have been travelling space for millennia before humans discovered the mass relays. As a result, she doesn't try to throw humanity's weight around choosing instead to try and find common ground whenever possible.

What are your characters dreams and nightmares? Do you believe they are more likely to obtain one rather than the other? Due to her background as a colonist who lost everyone and a sole survivor of a military mission where she had to watch others die in front of her again, she has a huge amount of survivor's guilt and carries that with her regardless of the situation. No matter how hard she tries to repress it. As a result of her background and what she'd seen of the Reaper attack on Earth, she has frequent literal nightmares, plagued by memories of watching people she cared for suffer and die. One incident stands out in frequent replay during her efforts to gain as many allies against the Reapers as possible, that of a young boy who Shepard urged to get on an evacuation transport. As Shepard left in the Normandy, she was horrified to see that transport with the boy be destroyed by the Reapers, killing all aboard. That boy makes frequent appearances in her nightmares, often going up in flames in front of her when all she can do is watch. That powerless feeling made her even more driven, but she was afraid that the Reapers would destroy so many lives and so much of Earth that recovery would be impossible. However, I personally believe that there's always hope and that humanity is resilient, making Shepard's worst nightmares of a desolate Earth unlikely.

What is your character's safespace? When do they feel the most settled and comfortable? When do they feel confident and relaxed? Her quarters in the Normandy, preferably with Kaidan present. She has a pet fish and a pet hamster and she loves and dotes on. They're great distractions when the weight on her shoulders seems too heavy and a source of amusement and curiosity during lighter times. When she's in her quarters, she can sit back and relax, letting the mask of the eternally competent, brave, and optimistic Commander Shepard slip, letting herself feel all of the feelings she kept bottled up in front of her crew except on rare occasions. Kaidan's presence as mentioned is appreciated since she knows he went through a great deal of trauma in 'brain camp' and can relate to the trauma she faced as a teen and young adult. It's not the same, but no one responds to trauma the same way. He's a good listening ear and a good devil's advocate at the same time, providing her with a sense of safety and an opportunity to say out loud what her decision making process was, helping her find more peace with it. Her safespace is both a place and a person, having both at the same time keeping her on an even keel during the dark days of seeking help against the Reapers.

❥ Player Information

Player Name: argustar
Pronouns: they/them
Are you over 18?: yes
Contact(s): argustar on plurk or discord, or PM the character journal
Who Invited You?: already in game
Current Characters: Constance, Madison, Alicent, Christine, Arashi, Ophelia, Rey, Dezba, Hawke, Ari, Susan, Mariane, Bella, Tinya, Lila
Permissions: Here
Writing Samples: here, here